Only Child Thoughts: Are Biological or Adopted Siblings Better?

I am aware that I always talk about my experience: being in a family with a Mom, Dad and two brothers. But then I thought, "Hey, that's not every adoptees' experience. Probably about half of them are only children." So I decided to ask my fellow adoptees who are only children what their thoughts are on siblings, whether biological or adopted would impact them and if they worried about their older parents.

Here's a little bit of basic information on adoption. Many (not all) people who adopt children, cannot have children of their own because of infertility reasons. That's okay and nothing to be ashamed about. My Mom was actually a single mom when she began the process of adopting me because she wanted to adopt and help a child in need, then met my dad 3/4 through the process. But for many only children, their parents ran into problems that resulted in no birth siblings (they were too old to have birth children, medical issues etc). Whether a parent is open to disclose the reason behind their child's adoption is up to them.

When I saw the other adoptees' responses to my sibling question asking if they would prefer siblings who were biologically-related to their parents or also adopted astounded me. I have two brothers who are biologically-related to my parents and who I love as if they were my blood siblings. I could never imagine my life without them and I don't favour them over my blood siblings (IF I have any). They are my brothers and will always be my brothers, always. I have never hated because I am different than them. They always made me feel loved and show me off proudly as their adopted sister. From the other adoptees' responses, the thought of resenting my brothers or being worried they would be favoured over me because they were blood related to my parents completely shocked me. Here's what my fellow only children adoptees had to say and some of my responses.

1. Hi Kira! I'm an only child and I have always wanted a sibling whether adopted or biological. If I had an adopted sibling like me, I feel like we'd be inseparable bc we would both have the same understanding and the same background - almost like the inseparable bond of twins. My experience/perspective on adoption would be shared and emphasized a lot more w/ a sibling. I don't necessarily think I worry more about my parents as a only child but my parents definitely worry more about me and put a lot of attention into my life.

2. I feel as if adoption is a large factor in being socially anxious and shy growing up, for me. Just recently, I've been able to combat them and really work past them. I definitely think I would have "come out of my shell" (as people describe me) a lot sooner if I had had siblings. Specifically relating to adoption: my parents originally wanted two kids; one adopted, one biological. I think about that sometimes, and I know I would have felt sad if I had a sibling who was biologically related to my parents. I'd feel out of place, so I'm glad they didn't go through with that. However, if the other sibling was adopted, I think I would prefer that.

Me: I have two biological brothers and i dont feel out of place at all! Why do you think you wouldnt belong? Because of genes? I am very curious

I doubt I would feel like I belonged because I'd be so different from them, so yes, genes. I also wouldn't share the same biological family tree as the rest of my family. I also feel like the parents might favor the bio kids over me, the adopted kid.

Me:Interesting notion. I feel like, whether or not you feel like you belong is based on the family and how you are raised. What if i told you that you may feel like you belong with your family and your parents wont ever compare you to your siblings and you feel right at home with everyone? Would you believe me?

I wish that could be true, I've always wanted an older brother or sister. I would even settle with a sibling biologically related to my parents. Being an only child has its perks, but as I said above, I think I would have adjusted to social life faster if I'd had a sibling. smile emoticon

Me: It can be true. In my situation, i feel just as loved from my parents as my siblings. I love them as if they were my biological siblings and we care and support one another blood or no blood relation. I agree with the, it's easier to socialize because of siblings

3. As an only child who is adopted, I found it harder to interact with kids when I was younger. I always found myself very clingy towards my mum when I was growing up. Even now that I'm 19, I find it hard to interact with younger kids, as I never really knew how to interact with kids. When I was growing up I found it very lonely at home, and even now, I find that I feel like I need to stay in contact with my friends, otherwise I feel very isolated.

4. I grew up as an only child and my mom raised me by herself. I have always been very close with her. She is an older parent and I always worry about her. Growing up I was also very clingy and would get so upset when she left me at school. I always wanted a sibling. I think I learned how to be okay with having alone time and being by myself. A lot of my friends can't be alone very well. I think I didn't really learn to be assertive or how to share well until I was older.

Me: By "...friends who cant be alone" do you mean other adoptees?

yeah a lot of my adoptee friends always need to be around other people.

5. I am an only child as well as my mom raising me as a single mom. Our relationship can be difficult due to adoption because i feel like she doesn't understand sometimes.and I would say that I feel like the feelings wouldn't change that much, although i wish that i did have someone who i could share the experience with, because being an only child and being adopted means that i feel alone a lot and that like I have to struggle and go through these feelings alone because I don't have someone who is related to me. Like my best friend she is adopted from Romania, but her and her twin were adopted together. So they don't have the same amount of loneliness and abandonment feeling like i do sometimes, but its just like its weird, and its harder I think for only children because we do have to go through these feelings alone

6. I am an only child with a single mom too. When I was younger I really didn't like when she would have to go off to work and had to leave me. When I got older I still didn't like it but I got better at handling it. I always said that I had a twin since I was small. I actually imagined a scenario similar to twinsters. However the reality is I have no brother or sister related or adopted and I grew up doing lots of things alone such as going to camp. As I've gotten older I notice a lot of my non adopted friends don't seem to want to do things alone. For example I went to the movies alone, and my friends told me that was sad. I also went to meet these YouTubers by myself. I drove myself there and I had a great time. I didn't invite anyone to go with me because I knew my friends didn't know/like these YouTubers. Recently one of my friends has been going to a lot of expensive events, and rather then go alone she pays for other people to go with her even if they don't like/know what the event is about because she doesn't want to be alone. I guess my point is I would rather go alone and have a great time V.S. being afraid to go alone and miss out on some great opportunities.

7. I'm an only child, and I always wish I had an older brother. I think it's mostly because I have 8 female cousins and no male cousins, I don't really have any male family who is even remotely close in age. I'm not sure it's directly related to being adopted since even if my parents were my biological parents I'd still have no male siblings or cousins. It might be partially due to the high likelihood that I do have a biological brother out there who I'll never meet. But anyway my family couldn't have even adopted another kid because, well, let's face it, it's expensive to raise even one kid, let alone two. And considering I essentially lived in a closet for the first 10 years of my life (residents in the upstairs apartments with the same room layout used the room corresponding to my bedroom as a closet because of how absurdly tiny it was -- alongside a normal twin bed against one wall, there was maybe 2 feet of space until you hit the other wall) it's not like we could have fit another person in the place we lived anyway. lol About parents, I don't think being an only child adoptee really shaped my view of parents any... I don't really think about my biological parents... I don't know a single thing about them. I have seen lots of people in this group say they have a Chinese surname but I don't. I only have a Chinese given name. I'm not 100% sure but I think the other girls who were adopted with me (same adoption agency at the same time, different families) all have 新 (Xīn) in their Chinese name, same as me... It leads me to believe my biological parents didn't bother to name me, and the orphanage just did. But that's only conjecture -- I literally know nothing about my biological family at all. And if it's true that my biological parents didn't bother to name me, then why should I? If they did, well great, but... IDK it just doesn't really change that much for me.

Thank you to all the adoptees who responded! I am so glad I could be a voice for you and show others how you feel and get a different perspective on adoption.

Check out my new Welcome video on the home page! I have so many bloopers AHAHAHA. I asked online if there were any questions that people had regarding my adoption because I am going to make a response video! I am very excited and will be working on that project as soon as possible! Although, it will take time, but I can't wait for you to see it!