I'm Scared...

Recently, many of my adopted friends have been investing in a popular and well-known DNA package called 23&Me. You follow particular instructions and send it off and voila! You have all the information you want to know about your ethnic history and possible hereditary health complications. It’s something that many of my fellow adoptees have wanted or have done and many have had a positive experience from it. IMPORTANT: This DNA test does not tell you who your birth parents are. (But one girl did find out she had a fifth cousin or something. I don’t entirely understand how that works, but, hey! She found out she has a cousin!)

Although it would be really fascinating to know exactly where my roots come from... The truth is, I’m scared to do it. My biggest worry isn’t, “Oh god, what if I have a hereditary condition that I don’t know about and will control and cripple my entire life?!- which is what most people worry about. The scariest thing for me is to find out that I’m not Chinese. Sounds odd, I guess. Extreme hereditary condition versus being a different ethnicity. Seems like the whole hereditary condition thing sounds scarier, but strangely, my mind keeps wondering back to the possibility that I may not be completely Chinese or even Chinese.

All my life I said “I’m Chinese.” “I’m from China” “My ethnicity is Chinese”. But what if I woke up one day and the results said I was Filipino? What am I now? Canadian, thought-I-was-Chinese, and Filipino? It already sounds so complicated – not that my life hasn’t been because it has since the day I was born. I’m comfortable with balancing myself between Canadian and Chinese. I’m worried that if I throw in another, I won’t know which culture I belong to most.

Then what? If I figure out I’m a completely different ethnicity, am I supposed to start from scratch? Learn all their new traditions, clothing, food, history and agricultural habits? All those years of being in my Chinese Adoptee group called Bubba Panda in Toronto, would they have been a waste? All those days on field trips to the Chinese museums, learning Chinese words, playing Chinese games, and learning our roots- would it all have been for nothing?

I always prided myself on coming from the beautiful lands of China (minus the extremely polluted areas) embedded with rich culture, beautiful flowers, unique traditions and exotic fashion. Somehow, I’m worried I would feel less Chinese and more of a fake if I found out I was another ethnicity. I just really don’t want that taken away from me. Being Chinese is a huge part of who I am and something I take pride in. If that happens to have been a mistake… I just don’t know who that would make me anymore.

Thank you everyone who has been on this incredible blog journey with me! Last week commenced one year since I created my blog and I wanted to thank everyone who has supported me through this adventure. Much love and gratitude is being sent your way.