8 Days Until Departure

When I first tell people I'm studying abroad their first emotions are excited, envious and happy. Excited that I will be travelling to somewhere foreign, envious because they wish to be abroad and happy because they are happy for me to take this opportunity. These emotions lead to a question after the rush of excitement calms,

"Are you scared?"

"No" is my response. I genuinely feel that i can do it. I am brave, I am courageous, I am responsible enough to make smart choices, I am an extrovert and have no problem making friends, I can cook, I can clean, I can handle this. While I understand myself enough to know that this is something I most definitely am capable of doing, I still find myself anxious. Take last night for example, I woke up at 3:30am on the cusp of an anxiety attack feeling nauseous, heart racing and weak. It took me an hour of a self-help audiobook, meditation and writing in my journal to put me back to sleep (after much tossing and turning). The week before that I had to leave work after physically becoming ill from over exhaustion, stress and anxiety.

It has been 15 months since I knew that I wanted to make studying abroad my goal and up until recently it was all about how excited I was, how I wanted to get out of this town and see the world. Now, I find myself sleep deprived, my nerves are shot and if I think about getting onto that plane I start to have a panic attack. PSA: I have had plane anxiety for the past 5 years to the point where I didn't take advantage of fantastic once-in-a-lifetime opportunities because it required I step on a plane. I finally overcame my plane anxiety 2 years ago, but alongside my claustrophobia with buses, it's something I battle with daily. So while dealing with all of that, my counsellor and I realized that I am also having separation anxiety from the thought of leaving my family and the comfort of my house. There's a bit more to that, but overall, I am scared to what I will come back to after studying abroad. I am not afraid of the 'normal' things that people assume I am afraid of. Things such as leaving to a foreign country, not knowing the language or anyone, having to live by myself, be responsible and not starve myself with only mac and cheese and frozen dinners. I am not afraid of those things. I actually welcome them. I find pleasure in those challenges. I am afraid of something more complex than that. Put all that angst, nail-biting and stress together and you have a human wreck.

I understand that home is where the people you love most are, not things; and that this adventure will change me and be the best experience of my life. I know that there will be so many things that I will learn this upcoming year that I could never learn while staying here. I have an optimistic feeling that I will meet people who will change the way I think about the world and will become my closest friends. I know that this is something that is good for me and I can handle it. But while everything will be okay, the anxiety and stress is still keeping me up at night. The only thing I can do right now is keep my mind calm and understand that everything will be fine and if it's not, I can figure it out then.

At my Farewell Open House, I felt so much love and support, that my spirit was lifted. It is such a great feeling knowing that you have a whole team of kind, lovely and wonderful people who are cheering you on. That is something I am reminding myself as I go through this.

I have been reading quite a few self-help books lately and have come to the realization of my own personal growth and exploration that I will be working on this year. There is a long list of things I need to work on and I am so immensely excited and looking forward to working towards a happier me. It is seldom that I am able to quietly focus on myself because I am always helping others in the hustle and rush of my life. I am sincerely looking forward to doing this adventure for me and me alone. To get through this and enjoy every single minute no matter how hard it may be in that moment. I am excited to look back on this and see it as a challenge, but know that I got through it. I have so many loving people beside me and I cannot wait for this personal journey. Overall, I am a mess, but I truly know I will be okay.