Mourning What Could've Been (Meeting Another Adoptee)

Prior

A couple weeks ago I visited the nearest large city near my town, Vancouver, for a concert. I decided to make the trip for five days of reconnecting with old friends. I had remembered that there was a young Chinese adoptee and her family living in Vancouver. Her mother and I had been emailing each other for the past four years after she found my blog on a Chinese Adoptees and Families Facebook group. She is greatly involved in the Families with Children from China British Columbia (FCCBC) group which has featured some of my blog posts in their newsletter for the past three years. I reached out to their family and set a date when we would meet for lunch at their favourite dumpling restaurant.

The Day

I arrived on-time and saw a Caucasian couple sitting at a booth, but no sign of the Chinese adoptee. They must be late, I thought. So I grabbed the other booth and waited for them to arrive. I overheard the couple next to me say, ".....Kira" and I looked over, "Are you looking for Kira? That's me!" We laughed, knowing that I was confused because I was looking for their adopted daughter as the clear indicator. She arrived a few minutes later after her nearby acting class had finished.

Three different types of dumplings were ordered, noodles, vegetables and these deep-fried pancake things I had never seen before that turned out to be very tasty. We discussed our lives, where we live, jobs, adoption, family and their previous trips back to China. We ate, laughed, and shared commonality in an experience only those of multicultural adoption could understand. After lunch, we walked down the street together until we had to part ways. We hugged and I thanked them for taking the time to meet with me. With a wave, we headed off in different directions.

Afterward

As I walked away, I felt this slight feeling of being lost. Felt strange considering I've travelled solo a couple of times in countries where I didn't speak the language and always felt confident in where I was going. I decided that I would celebrate the day with a cupcake. I went to a nearby cupcake shop and, with cupcake in-hand, I continued walking down the street. Still, there was a strange feeling lingering within me that I didn't understand. I walked for a few more feet and suddenly was holding back tears. I stopped, surprised at this reaction. What's going on Kira? Why are you crying? I asked myself. Tears were now rolling down my face and I couldn't get them to stop. I was crying on the sidewalk on a beautiful sunny day, after meeting such a wonderful family and I had a cupcake in-hand, what could've been the matter? After sitting with my emotions (literally took a seat on a store's outdoor sitting area) I understood 3 main emotions I was feeling:

1. Envy

I was feeling envious of what the adoptee had. She had been back to China three times already as a young teenager. I am a soon-to-be 23 year old young woman who hasn't been back to China and never really had the chance to go with my family when I was younger. Her parents seemed to have a long and healthy marriage and the family dynamic seemed to be strong. Side note: Emphasis on the 'seems'. I understand that looks can be deceiving and I don't know the family well enough. I'm just speaking about how I felt at the time.

2. Mourning

I mourned what my childhood wasn't. While I am fortunate to have parents who love me fiercely, their unhappy marriage affected my childhood and into my young adult years. They divorced three years ago. The situation brought forward what I craved, but didn't have for the majority of my youth.

3. Loneliness

I know that these three emotions can be understood and experienced by everyone. That is why this blog post doesn't just pertain to multiracial/other adoptees, but I do believe that the majority of the population cannot fully understand the cultural depth and the identity issues I was facing in that situation. I felt alone dealing with the pain I felt and knowing that I could only share this with a couple of people. Ultimately, I knew this was something I had to reflect on and analyze by myself.

Lastly, the experience made me realize how much I have been running away from China. Since I've announced that I'd like to teach English abroad, I've had many friends and colleagues offer to connect me with jobs in China. I would always politely decline and insist I am focusing on South Korea. My friend recently went to China for vacation and they would send me pictures and videos (upon my request), but joke that I should've come with them or that I'm missing out. That hit an emotional chord with me, but I didn't understand why.

THEN IT HIT ME. I am scared to go to China and face my past. I've been making up excuses my whole life as to why I can't go, "I don't have the money", "I am focused on [country name] at the moment", "I don't have time". Those are all valid excuses, but ultimately, it was because I wanted to push China away. Looking at it from a safe distance by going to Chinese celebrations in my community, educating myself about Chinese culture, and having Chinese friends always seemed enough. I would always tell people that I want to go back to China, but deep down I didn't know if I would be able to emotionally handle it. I even remember telling my Mom many years ago, that I would likely go to China in my mid-20's or later because I felt I could process everything better.

Most people don't understand how challenging going to China would be for me. Of course, I can't blame them. They just buy the plane ticket, pack, board a plane, and explore the 'magic of China'. I picture myself having many anxiety attacks pre, during, and post-trip, emotional outbursts, isolating myself to deal with the overwhelming situation I had put myself in, and seeing my birth family in the eyes of every Chinese person I would see. When the trip is put like that, heck no it doesn't sound like a fun way to get in touch with my Chinese roots. Realistically, that is what I will likely deal with and until I feel ready to handle that, I'll continue facing my issues with China and let myself know it's okay to be scared of my past and future.

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I am so grateful to have met that family. It brought out a lot of emotions I've been pushing down, but it was a great experience. They were warm and inviting and made me smile. I know they read my blog, so I'll just say to them: You're doing a wonderful job raising your daughter and keeping her connected to her heritage. I hope one day she'll recognize just how lucky she is to have you. Good luck and all the best for your family. Talk to you soon!